I am scared of what's gonna happen
About 23 weeks ago, I posted this photo on my Instagram account scared of what’s going to happen in the coming semester. Why was I scared? It’s because I got a 19-unit load of PURE major classes for my first semester. So? Okay dear… that was not the only reason.
Quick background: I was originally from UPLB and when I
decided To transfer to UPD to still pursue comsci, the college Department told
me that the majors that we took for two semesters in UPLB will not be credited
in UPD and we need to retake everything. It was one of the biggest and
challenging decisions that I made in my entire life as I felt like I had to
start again from scratch.
My first semester at UP Diliman was crazy; I took two
Computer Science major courses immediately together
with the other comsci transferees from UPLB in order to catch up.
Since subjects are in “ladder form,” we need to take them in a step by step
fashion; one major after the other. I was culture shocked and after that semester,
I was rushed at the hospital for acid reflux. “Too much caffeine,” the doctor
said. Those were only two majors, mind you.
The second semester came after the holidays and I got the
rest that I needed so I guessed that I was good to start my classes. For that
semester, I only took one major class where
the next subjects will depend on whether I pass this one or not. Fortunately, I
wasn’t rushed again to the hospital when the semester ended but I got some
coughs and cold. Hahaha lack of sleep, I guess.
My friends and I took the Mid-Year class with 1 more major
class in order to catch up with our batch mates (who were in UP Diliman since
they began college). That major class was fun and I didn’t get any kind of sickness
at the end of the semester. The problem came in right after the
end of Mid Year, when enrollment for the coming 1st semester immediately started.
NO REST! I didn’t get the chance to breathe and let the situation sink in. From
only one or two major classes per semester, we jumped to 6 majors in one semester!
I repeat, SIX MAJORS!
I can vividly remember my expression when my friends told me
that we were going to take all six major classes in one semester! I almost
slapped my face hahahaha! Seriously though, the first thing that crept into my
mind and my heart was fear - fear of failing those subjects, fear of not being
able to catch up with my batch mates and delaying graduation, fear of the professors,
fear of being left out by my UPLB friends, fear of being “alone” in classes,
fear of disappointing Mama and Ate when if I fail my subjects, and fear of
having wasted my tuition fee if I fail. FEAR is what swallowed me those very
moments.
I remember crying to my Sister, Mama, my friends, my
VG-mates and to God. I even fell asleep crying and thinking about how am I
going to be able to finish this semester.
Before the semester started, as I was about to leave our
house, my Sister messaged me and asked if we can talk for a few minutes, and I
said yes. Even at that moment when I answered her call, I felt nothing but fear.
I told her, “Ate, natatakot ako.” Then my Sister prayed for me until I found
myself crying again… not out of fear this time, but out of thankfulness and
gratitude knowing that someone is fighting with me in this battle.
Looking back, I could see that it was God’s Grace that carried
me through those stressful and tiring 23 weeks. God never left my side while I
was studying for exams, finishing codes from dusk ‘til dawn, or even as I fell
asleep on MRT and jeepney rides. He filled me up when I had no time to eat
anymore and accompanied me home from campus; He gave me the strength to endure
the challenges.
In fact, God didn’t just fulfill His promise of getting me
through this 19-units-of-major-classes semester, He also gave me a VERY
flexible schedule. At first I hated how my schedule
turned out that sem. Aside from the 6 major subjects, I have Monday and Saturday
classes which only gives me one day of rest from school. But little did I know
it was Gods way of giving me time to spend time with my cousin who came home
from Canada after five years. But wait! God even gave me the opportunity
to bring to life my long lost dream of joining a pageant! (YEEEEEEY!!!)
“Fear focuses on how big the problem is, but FAITH focuses on how big God is!” – Ptr. Paolo Punzalan
Apart from the 19 units of knowledge that I gained that past
semester, the most important lesson that I have learned is TO HAVE THAT
MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH! That semester had raised a TIGER CAMILLE from a scaredy-cat
Camille.
Today, another semester starts. 20 UNITS! I
GOT 20 UNITS! Hello, 19 units pa nga lang
di ko na alam gagawin ko eh. But you know what? This time, although I am a
li’l bit scared, I know that the God who get me through that 19-unit semester
is the same God who will also get me through this 20-unit semester! All glory
goes back to Him! Back to you, Lord! I love you!
Here’s a Bible verse I read recently from this year’s Prayer
and Fasting that I want to share with you.
“Then Jehoshaphat was afraid and set his face to seek the Lord, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah.” - 2 Chronicles 20:3
There will be situations that will come and give you reasons
to be afraid, and you will be like Jehoshaphat. What we should do when fear
crept in is to SEEK the Lord. In times like those, all we need is God’s
deliverance. When things like this happen, do not let yourself be covered with
panic and noise but seek God’s voice in the midst of the noise; He is telling
you something. He is always there.
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