I am scared of what's gonna happen

4:35 AM Unknown 0 Comments

About 23 weeks ago, I posted this photo on my Instagram account scared of what’s going to happen in the coming semester. Why was I scared? It’s because I got a 19-unit load of PURE major classes for my first semester. So? Okay dear… that was not the only reason.




Quick background: I was originally from UPLB and when I decided To transfer to UPD to still pursue comsci, the college Department told me that the majors that we took for two semesters in UPLB will not be credited in UPD and we need to retake everything. It was one of the biggest and challenging decisions that I made in my entire life as I felt like I had to start again from scratch.

My first semester at UP Diliman was crazy; I took two Computer Science major courses immediately together with the other comsci transferees from UPLB in order to catch up. Since subjects are in “ladder form,” we need to take them in a step by step fashion; one major after the other. I was culture shocked and after that semester, I was rushed at the hospital for acid reflux. “Too much caffeine,” the doctor said. Those were only two majors, mind you.

The second semester came after the holidays and I got the rest that I needed so I guessed that I was good to start my classes. For that semester, I only took one major class where the next subjects will depend on whether I pass this one or not. Fortunately, I wasn’t rushed again to the hospital when the semester ended but I got some coughs and cold. Hahaha lack of sleep, I guess.

My friends and I took the Mid-Year class with 1 more major class in order to catch up with our batch mates (who were in UP Diliman since they began college). That major class was fun and I didn’t get any kind of sickness at the end of the semester. The problem came in right after the end of Mid Year, when enrollment for the coming 1st semester immediately started. NO REST! I didn’t get the chance to breathe and let the situation sink in. From only one or two major classes per semester, we jumped to 6 majors in one semester! I repeat, SIX MAJORS!

I can vividly remember my expression when my friends told me that we were going to take all six major classes in one semester! I almost slapped my face hahahaha! Seriously though, the first thing that crept into my mind and my heart was fear - fear of failing those subjects, fear of not being able to catch up with my batch mates and delaying graduation, fear of the professors, fear of being left out by my UPLB friends, fear of being “alone” in classes, fear of disappointing Mama and Ate when if I fail my subjects, and fear of having wasted my tuition fee if I fail. FEAR is what swallowed me those very moments.

I remember crying to my Sister, Mama, my friends, my VG-mates and to God. I even fell asleep crying and thinking about how am I going to be able to finish this semester.

Before the semester started, as I was about to leave our house, my Sister messaged me and asked if we can talk for a few minutes, and I said yes. Even at that moment when I answered her call, I felt nothing but fear. I told her, “Ate, natatakot ako.” Then my Sister prayed for me until I found myself crying again… not out of fear this time, but out of thankfulness and gratitude knowing that someone is fighting with me in this battle.

Looking back, I could see that it was God’s Grace that carried me through those stressful and tiring 23 weeks. God never left my side while I was studying for exams, finishing codes from dusk ‘til dawn, or even as I fell asleep on MRT and jeepney rides. He filled me up when I had no time to eat anymore and accompanied me home from campus; He gave me the strength to endure the challenges.

In fact, God didn’t just fulfill His promise of getting me through this 19-units-of-major-classes semester, He also gave me a VERY flexible schedule. At first I hated how my schedule turned out that sem. Aside from the 6 major subjects, I have Monday and Saturday classes which only gives me one day of rest from school. But little did I know it was Gods way of giving me time to spend time with my cousin who came home from Canada after five years. But wait! God even gave me the opportunity to bring to life my long lost dream of joining a pageant! (YEEEEEEY!!!)

“Fear focuses on how big the problem is, but FAITH focuses on how big God is!” – Ptr. Paolo Punzalan


Apart from the 19 units of knowledge that I gained that past semester, the most important lesson that I have learned is TO HAVE THAT MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH! That semester had raised a TIGER CAMILLE from a scaredy-cat Camille.

Today, another semester starts. 20 UNITS! I GOT 20 UNITS! Hello, 19 units pa nga lang di ko na alam gagawin ko eh. But you know what? This time, although I am a li’l bit scared, I know that the God who get me through that 19-unit semester is the same God who will also get me through this 20-unit semester! All glory goes back to Him! Back to you, Lord! I love you!

Here’s a Bible verse I read recently from this year’s Prayer and Fasting that I want to share with you.

 “Then Jehoshaphat was afraid and set his face to seek the Lord, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah.” - 2 Chronicles 20:3



There will be situations that will come and give you reasons to be afraid, and you will be like Jehoshaphat. What we should do when fear crept in is to SEEK the Lord. In times like those, all we need is God’s deliverance. When things like this happen, do not let yourself be covered with panic and noise but seek God’s voice in the midst of the noise; He is telling you something. He is always there.

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I GUESS I’LL NEVER GET USED TO IT.

10:16 AM Unknown 0 Comments




December 22, my sister came home from Canada without anyone knowing it! And yes, she succeeded in surprising everyone in the compound! Even our neighbors and relatives from different places were shocked! Hahahahaha who wouldn’t be shocked? She just moved out a year ago and she’s back now! Ate naman, I know I am missable! HAHAHAHAHAH Guess who’s the happiest by the way? (Raises both my hand, so I’m typing using my foot right now! Hahaha)

If there’s such thing as an “ate’s girl” that would probably describe my whole being! Hahahaha Seriously, as far as I can remember my sister’s been my forever partner, even though we’re 6 years apart. She used to be my mama every bahay-bahayan, the only store keeper I know every tinda-tindahan, the doctor I run to every doctor-doctoran, my teacher in all subjects every teacher-teacheran and the only person I know who can be a mother, store keeper, doctor and teacher in a span of 5 mins! HAHAHAHAHAH Growing up is so easy with her beside me. But last year, she moved to Canada to be with Kuya TJ, her husband. Yes, that was one of the hardest things that happened to my life last year. It’s like I’m removing my arms, or my legs; it’s like removing a part of me that’s been there for a long time. (uy kuya wag ka magtampo hahahahaha) I know, it’s inevitable! Hey, all of us must grow up. All of us must face that someday. We need to move out to be with someone God gave us as our real life partners!

 Last year, I know it took me weeks before my eyes run out of tears to cry. It was really painful and scary because I am not used to being the eldest. I’ve been ate’s assistant but I am never the one who decides on things. All the other things that ate’s responsible of started to crept into my mind which made me scared of what’s gonna happen that year. Also the thought of ate being far from me is just too vast for me to accept. I can’t. I JUST CAN’T, until I am forced to, since she’s already in Canada.

When she arrived last December, I cried hugging her. TEARS OF JOY! 2015’s ending that time and I’ve been stretched and pulled in all directions that year and her hug fixed every single part of my ripped body. My sem just ended the night before they arrived that’s why I was also on hangover with acads that time. It’s just that every time she’s there I know I am safe. The assurance that someone is there, someone will catch you no matter what. Kuya and ate’s 3 week stay here means a lot to me! Away from acads, breathing fresh air outside and just talking personally not through skype or messenger!

And last Saturday, they both headed back to Canada since it’s just a short trip for Christmas and New Year. Days before their flight, I cried myself to sleep and on the day of their flight I said to myself “No crying, camille.” I am also hesitant to give my gift to ate because I know that will make us both cry! “No crying, Camille” became my mantra that day! I manage not to cry a lot on the airport unlike ate’s first trip, but little did I know I will burst when we arrive home! I don’t know. Tears kept on falling.

I thought it will be easier to let go of her this time. I thought it’s only hard during firsts, but it’s not. Maybe sending you off back to Canada is not like wearing new shoes where you’ll have blisters which will hurt so bad the first time you wear that shoes but you’ll get used to it as you wear it again. Maybe sending you off to Canada is something I’ll never get used to. But know that no matter what I only wish and pray for you and kuya’s happiness! Love you both!    



Hi ate, I didn’t mean to make you cry and I didn’t mean to make you miss us more but ang duga mo kase e, you made me cry tonight. Yes I just wrote it tonight after you sent me that long message! Thousand words run through my mind and I feel like I’m going to burst any time, so I wrote it down crying again. Hahahaha I love you always and I miss you so much! 

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